“
“It’s important to clarify that sex education that teaches about pleasure doesn’t have to teach about technique (though elective college-level sex education that does this is great). Letting teens know that women usually achieve orgasm through the rubbing of the clitoris, whether fingers, mouth, object, or penis, isn’t the same as screening an instructional video on giving good cunnilingus. It’s not the same as writing down the names of sex-toy shops on the blackboard, or handing out diagrams of cool and exciting coital positions. And teaching that lubricants reduce pain and increase safety and pleasure during many kinds of sex should be thought of not as performance advice, but on par with vital lessons about condom use.
Real sex education is not the same as porn education. Instead, it’s about teaching that pleasure is an important part of any sexual relationship. It’s about teaching that there is nothing wrong with wanting to feel sexual pleasure and seeking it out, so long as it is done safely and responsibly. It’s about teaching comfort with one’s body and a lack of shame over desires, and there is more to sex for all people than sticking penises into vaginas. Real sex education teaches how to go about making intelligent , safe choices, rather than just stating the choices available. I believe there is a big difference. And I believe that teaching teens to make smart choices about sex must involve teaching them that having sex, partnered or alone, can be a smart choice”.
” —Real Sex Education by Cara Kulwicki in Yes Means Yes
(via fem-blog)
(via hellyeahscarleteen)
[video]
Another essay from the past. How little things have changed. Though before it was all about everyday people being exposed (exploited?). Now the focus is also on celebrities who have lost their place in the spotlight trying to gain it back again by documenting their (often train-wreck) lives. And don’t even get me started on the Kardashians. I actually I have never seen their TV shows, but I do see them on the covers of magazines everywhere and I am at a loss for what it all means. But lets go back a few years and see what I, as an Amateur porn performers, thought about reality as entertainment .
Scene 1:
They sit side by side, she strokes his leg and he caresses her. Even though she whispers and it is dark outside, the camera and the microphone capture her confession that she is enjoying the intense intimacy of their encounter even while she knows her partner may be doing the same somewhere else.
Scene 2:
The screen is small and the images are slightly choppy, nevertheless, her wetness is evident as he enters her. The camera pans to her face and she sticks her tongue out and waves before throwing her head back in ecstasy.
These two anecdotes represent two versions of what has become a phenomena: reality as entertainment. One is a description of some scenes from the recent television hit Temptation Island [Seska circa 2012 editorial note: It was a hit? I would have never thought of it again if I had not found this essay.] and the other is an example of a snippet from a webcam show on just about any hardcore amateur adult sex site. One is PG, the other for mature audiences only, both are for the voyeur who seems to have endless offerings laid before him/her. None of this would exist though if it weren’t for the exhibitionists among us.
Background
Voyeurs are people who find sexual pleasure in looking at people engaging in sexual acts, undressing or simply being nude. As time has passed this definition has been expanded to include people who receive satisfaction from viewing others in most any kind of situation you can think of; be it of pleasure, pain or of anything in between. In this sense a voyeur’s credo might be to live vicariously though the experiences of others is to live expansively.
According to present psychological thinking, exhibitionists are people who receive pleasure in exposing their genitals to an unsuspecting stranger. In terms of everyday language, as well as among fetishists, the S/M community, swingers, club kids, and most anyone who enjoys dressing for pleasure, exhibitionism has come to mean revealing or displaying oneself for one’s enjoyment, as well as for the enjoyment of the spectator(s), but it need not be sexual. In the case of people engaging in alternative lifestyle activities, the exhibitionism is consensual. While for club kids and those dressing for pleasure, the activities do not cross the line into complete nudity or explicit sexuality, so the point is to make people look twice or to turn back and stare in shock. They tease and provoke by wearing extreme forms of fashion and dress. Their behaviour may offend or delight and that is the hope of an exhibitionist. Without a reaction does an exhibitionist truly expose him/herself? I think not.
From Social Studies Class to the Discovery Channel: We Never Mind Our Own Business
Much of the media has always offered something to satisfy both voyeurs and exhibitionists. Traditional documentaries have chronicled people’s experiences of events, both common place and unusual. They have been watched as a form of education, seen in classrooms and on public television for decades. However, they also serve a more veiled purpose. They offer the viewer a way of experiencing something unknown to them, something they can not, for limitations of their own, experience themselves. By watching a documentary, one can visit different countries, take part in distinct cultures and subcultures, see the world through other eyes. It is safe to do so because the experience remains external, not real. Viewers of documentaries are voyeurs of the private, secret, often taboo parts of the human experience. Observed from a distance, the forbidden is accessible in such a way that it can be sampled and then discarded easily and without sacrifice.
Its All About the Freaks
When it comes to today’s voyeuristic offerings reality shows have become the vogue. We can watch a real life couple plan their wedding at 8 PM, serious surgeries at 9 PM and then at 10 PM, the arrests of stupid criminals. For some it is strictly T.M.I. (too much information), but for others it is an escape from their lives, as well as a means to satisfy their curiosity, their gossip hungry side. They get to see how others live, compare it to their own experience, and likely make judgements about it all.
Before there was TV, to know what was going on in other people’s lives we had to peek through the blinds or put a glass up to a door and eavesdrop. Why do you think front porches where designed? To sit on them and admire the view of course, the view of your neighbours!
In an extreme manner, TV talk shows hosted by the likes of Sally Jesse Raphael, Jenny Jones and Jerry Springer, Â amplified this curiosity about the diversity of the human experience. They took the unusual and unmentionable into the public forum in a big way. With the excuse that it is educational or entertaining, producers of talk TV have pushed the envelope of what is for public consumption. Guests of these shows air their dirty laundry, confront their loved ones over intimate transgressions, and offer themselves up for public humiliation, all in one short hour. Just as you want to look at car wreck you pass on the highway, people slow down when channel surfing to catch a glimpse of “My Mother Is Having My Boyfriend’s Love Child”.
Knowing a bit about psychology and the human interest in the bizarre and extreme, one can understand why such programs are so popular. However, why do people go on these programs? If I got a call from the producers of one of these shows, why in the world would I actually go? I’d be signing up for an afternoon of heckling, confrontation, exposure of something from my past, confession of something hurtful, and maybe all of these gruelling things would be experienced at the same time. No thank you. Regardless, many people do go on these shows. I am thinking that they do so for reasons of their own. It might have to do with them being offered a free trip to another city and a stay in a hotel. They might go on the show hoping to get some publicity for their business, but the main one is likely that they have an exhibitionistic side to their personality.
Getting Your 15 Minutes Anyway You Can
Western society has become obsessed with celebrity. Not only are people interested in other people’s fame, many are searching for their way to have their own 15 minutes of it. Even the shyest of my friends have confessed to daydreams of accepting their Oscar and the speech they’d give. Of course, not all people have the desire or the opportunity to get those 15 minutes, but it seems that a good bunch of us do seek it out. Hence, the trash TV guests and their exposure of their personal issues. They must get some rush when they sit on stage and have cameras filming their every move. They speak and people listen and watch; a very empowering experience. Knowing that millions of people are watching you, no matter what the reason, can be thrilling. You are a star for at least a blink of an eye.
Wanna Be In Pictures?
This desire for exposure and notoriety, as well as the ease of videotaping one’s self, has led to a boom in the Amateur porn video market. With the increase in the accessibility to video cameras, people have been filming their sexual escapades and some brazen souls have produced them for the viewing pleasure of others. In these cases, people are not exposing their emotional intimacy to others (like those who do on trash TV), but rather their physical intimate moments. The thought that others are seeing them have sex adds to their enjoyment.
People seem to also enjoy seeing “real people” have “real sex”. Acting has never been a requisite for porn movies, though for some genres it can add to its quality. In most productions the acting gets in the way of the sex. Amateur porn movies present the essence of it all without the bullshit. Viewers get to see what they believe to be unchoreographed sexual acts, real orgasms and natural looking bodies. The rawness adds to their stimulation and voyeuristic excitement.
Exhibitionism Online
A relatively new, but booming addition on the scene is amateur porn on the Internet. What started off as housewives posting fuzzy personal pictures on Bulletin Board Service (BBS) has become a multimillion dollar industry. Small sites offering those blurry pictures still exist, but they have been overtaken by slick sites with purchased content, including those run by big Internet porn companies, that pass themselves of as “girl-next-door sites or “true amateurs”. In the middle you find amateur porn sites run by the couples they feature, mine being one of them. The quality has improved from the BBS days, but the intent is the same: to get off on showing off.
A very prominent feature of many sites are voyeurcams, where a stationary camera is placed in some location and an unsuspecting person or group of persons is filmed or viewed live. The fact that the people on screen do not know that they are being filmed is an extra bonus for many viewers. A true sense of voyeurism is suggested even though in all likelihood, due to privacy laws, it is being simulated. For the most part the voyeur cams are set up in homes or rented suites and people knowingly live and “perform” before them. That certainly is the case with the amateur adult sites which offer voyeur or 24 hour cams.
Scheduled Exhibitionism
Either due to the intensity of having your life viewed 24 hours a day or the high cost of bandwidth, most amateur sites tend to schedule their exhibitionism to special webcams shows they do after they come home from work or when the kids are put to bed. The Rosecam Network of which I am a part of operates in this way. Each amateur gal or couple has specific time slots so that members of our sites know when we are on. They are spread out through out the day with the majority occurring in the evening hours (EST). I suppose some exhibitionists would feel constrained by the timing of the webcams, but it works quite well for others. I find it extremely exciting to think about upcoming shows, how I will be having sex with my husband or some friends and that a good bunch of people will getting off on watching me do so.
The joy from having my site has all to do with sex. My exhibitionism, like those of other sexual performers, has to do with being viewed from that stand point. I am celebrated for my sexuality and the exuberance I show when having sex. I would not get the same thrill if I was exposing other aspects of my life. My day to life is for me and my family. I am not interested in showing people pictures or live streaming video feed of me cleaning the house, working out or reading book. Nor do I want people to see me living though the private, painful moments I have. Those are too precious and can be too easily misunderstood by others. They are complex and don’t belong to everyone. For some reason I do not perceive my sex life in the same manner. I am thoroughly comfortable sharing a great deal of it.
Skin Versus Soul
The couples and singles who went on the television reality series Temptation Island do not have the same set of limits regarding personal privacy as I do. While I have no qualms exposing my sexual activities to the public, I am not the least bit interested in sharing my raw emotional relationships with strangers [Seska circa 2012 editorial note: This did change for me. I became more and more comfortable writing about my emotions, my ups and downs, and my day to day experiences. You can thank technology, trends and just a general comfort level with regards to privacy for that. I still like being in control of what I share and how I share it.]. Those who went on the show not only signed up for an experience to test their boundaries with their significant others, but also to let the television viewing public into this experience. Some of the participants seemed to find the cameras invasive and exploitive. When they were upset by things they had seen or heard, they wanted to have some privacy, but one of the purposes of the show was to show those moments and so the participants in question were reminded that was the deal. Others seemed to come alive before the cameras. They were very comfortable expressing their painful moments before them and even seemed to enjoy the heighten intensity of having a camera in their face. Like the guests on the TV talk shows, something about living their life on camera was satisfying. Could an island vacation be sufficient compensation for exposing your personal dramas to millions of people? Then why would the cameras affect some and not others? Some element of exhibitionism must play a role.
In our world we are bombarded by multimedia images of humanity, from the earliest documentary, to TV talk shows, to the porn videos, to the webcam sites on the Internet. We have always been observers. We used to do it by peering over a fence to see what our neighbor was up to or opening a window to hear their conversations, cries and moans in the apartment across the way. Some of people want to know more, see more. They find excitement in the sexual, in the private, in the taboo. Now they can do so with ease by turning on a television or going online. In the past, to satiate them people used to exhibit during festivals and cultural or religious events. Some lived on the margins of society, being watched but rarely touched. Now we offer up our private worlds in the form of images and sounds. We do it willingly for our own innate desire to be seen, recognized, and even received. Voyeur and exhibitionist, we are two people who rarely ever meet, but we can not exist without the other.
Originally published at Seska for Lovers 2000.
Anonymous asked: Is your real firstname Francesca?
Funny for someone named anonymous to ask about my real name.
I would chat with people and if they seemed nice and respectful I would consider hooking up with them.
Musicians don’t owe us anything in particular — they especially don’t owe us static identity just because we get off on their image at any given moment. Especially punk musicians. I mean, how unpunk is it to be upset that someone is potentially not as attractive as they once were?
“BUT HE WAS SO HOT!” AND OTHER BIZARRE REACTIONS TO TOM GABEL’S TRANSITION
http://www.xojane.com/entertainment/tom-gabel-against-me-transgender
Happy Monday everyone! It feels like a happy one for me. The sun is up. The sky is big and blue. I made myself a cup of delicious coffee. I had to grind the beans myself because I forgot to do it yesterday at the awesome 100% organic shop near my place, but . Its also a happy Monday because I woke up to two cats inches from my face and their whiskers grazing my nose. Sure, I wanted to sleep some more. I had gone to bed the night before at 12:30AM and it was 6:43AM. More sleep was needed. However, it is a happy feeling to be needed and those cats need me.
Other happy things for me on this day is I followed up on some advice I got from a personalized reading with Ophira of www.astrostyle.com.  I ordered the book Astrology for the Soul by Jan Spiller which explores the North and South Nodes of the Moon in astrological charts. Now, if astrology is not for you, that is fine. However, I think you should keep reading anyway because it brought be some great insights. You may not agree with the way in which I got them, but I think you might appreciate the insights themselves. I know I have.
So, during my reading Ophira explained to me what the North and South Nodes of the Moon represent in your astrological chart - something I was not familiar with. As soon as I had it explained to me I knew this was amazing information that could change my life. Really. And it is one that fits with all the other amazing, yet often painful, insights I have been having in my personal growth work, therapy and from the other resources I have been learning from.
As my regular readers know I have been in a state of flux. I ended my marriage in 2010, I had a very messy rebound relationship, and I have been at a loss regarding what to do professionally. My well used ways and ideas have not been working for me for a long time. Like a sweater that once fit but no longer does, I was in need of something new and sized for me as I am now. Yes, these old skills and thought processes may have served me well in the past, but not anymore. So what is up with that? Looking at the South and North Nodes of my astrological chart helped me see what was/is going.
The South Node reveals the gifts that you bring into this lifetime, your sweet spot, your comfort zone. You will be innately good in these areas of life, and may begin your early path based on your South Node leanings. While this can bring a sense of satisfaction, it is unlikely to elevate you to Blissville. Thereâs a sense of âbeen there, done thatâ in the field of South Node activities. And indeed you have: in many past lifetimes.
The North Node is the exact opposite. It illuminates the terrain thatâs calling your name, but climbing to the peak of this mountain is like trekking up Mt. Everest. Youâll have to lighten up your baggage and enlist a proverbial Sherpa to get you up that hill. Itâs your learning curve. North Node activities require you to stretch out of your comfort zone. Once you do, youâll be amazed by how fulfilled you feel. Itâs like the activation of your lifeâs mission. The sooner you align yourself with this path, the more purpose-driven your life will become.
And for me specifically that means I need to release these traits:  attention-seeking, the desire for drama and materialism, and embrace these traits: team spiritedness, a sense of purpose and sustainable living.
Indeed! It all it makes sense!
I have explored with my therapist how easy it is for me to be a sexual superstar, how easy it is for me to get caught up in drama. It feeds me, but only on a furious, energetic ego driven level. It does not bring me happiness. It does not bring me a sense of calm. It brings me the exact opposite. It drives me bonkers. Still, getting out of my comfort zone feels to me much like the physical growing pains of adolescence, lots of ouch combined with its meant to be. It feels uncomfortable but it feels right.
Is it not interesting that I struggle with what I find is easy but unfulfilling that I joined the board of directors for Head and Hands - a not profit organization that provides health, legal and social services for people 12-25? Is it not interesting that I have been trying to bring the burlesque community together and support emerging artists with projects like the Montreal Burlesque Social Club and Acme Burlesque? Is in not interesting that I felt stifled by limiting my online activities to porn and created Seska for Lovers and Seskuality to broaden my horizons and those of my website visitors?
Indeed! It all it makes sense!
I am very much looking forward to getting the book. I want to learn more about this release and embrace. I know at my core I must continue doing it because when I do it I feel like I am wearing a cozy sweater that was made to order, made with lots of love too. Â Ah, fashion as spiritual analogy. What fun!
Please leave a comment if any of this resonates with you. I share my struggles and my successes with you because I love the connection this wild world wide web offers us. Â I love it when you share your experiences with me!
Here is an essay I wrote in 2000 on how I came about to creating and running my own Amateur XXX website and some of the expected and unexpected results of this choice. I find it interesting and important to look back because it helps me see where I am today and to look forward towards tomorrow. Kind of like the Warrior 2 pose in yoga. I really love that pose. But I digress.
-
I discovered online porn during the BBS days when I was living with roommates during university (in 1993). One good buddy of mine used to like to find extreme pictures and leave them on the desktop with the caption “click on this if you dare”. Of course we would all take the dare and then would see some horrid picture of (I have to censor myself due to my billing company - what I saw usually was violent or involved animals). I didn’t let these images dissuade me from looking for Internet sites. I just knew what I did not like from viewing them.
Once I got my own computer and internet connect it became the days of the world wide web and I found out what I truly enjoyed - it was information over tantalisation. I was eager to read up on some of my new sexual interests: fetish clothing, BDSM and swinging. I started local. I surfed for stores and clubs in my area. I read everything I could get my hands on that pertained to the rules and etiquette of the different scenes. It was very educational and gave me food for fantastical thought. At that point my boyfriend at the time James and I began attending fetish nights and we experimented with swinging. Overall, it was a learning experience which helped us figure out what were our turn-ons and what suited us best as a couple.
Around this same time (1997) I discovered a link to Carol Cox’s Amateur Site. It was a rich resource for me. Not only did it have pictures of real people having sex which I found very arousing, but it was also a door to another world for me. One I was terribly intrigued by.
James and I were quite excited that one of the most well known and successful Amateurs on the Internet happened to live in our city and we had the opportunity to get to meet her. We decided to attend one of her advertised gatherings. It was held at a local swingers’ club. We approached her at the beginning of the night and said hello. She introduced us to her husband and the four of us hit it off. In short order, we became good friends. It was with their encouragement and support that James and I decided to create an Amateur adult site of our own. We were now to become pornographers instead of being just viewers of it.
About two or three years before this, I had made an attempt to perform in front of the camera. It was for a personal video for James. We videotaped ourselves having sex. I actually did not enjoy looking at this particular video, but James enjoyed it immensely. I think I found it difficult to watch myself be sexual in combination with the imperfections I saw. I was quite critical of the low production quality of our tape (poor sound, poor lighting, and poor camera angles), as well as the faults I saw in my physical characteristics. I was very hard on myself. James was much more generous. He watched the video with the expectation of flaws and naturalness. He knew what he would see would be raw and real, but arousing as well.
When deciding to expose my self on the web I knew that based upon this past experience I would have to get past my body issues and worries about being imperfect. In the beginning I was concerned that I would feel insecure about my breasts. Porn is notorious for massive boobage, something I don’t have. I thought I would feel pressured to get a breast enlargement. I did briefly consider it, but I quickly realized I was happy with my breasts as they were. I was very happy with my body and felt celebrated for my own natural attributes. In fact, I rarely ever wear my old Wonder Bra anymore. Porn has been good for this girl’s self image in many ways.
Part of that has to do with the talks I had with James. He helped me realise that there is no such thing as the perfect woman or man for everyone. We all have our distinct tastes and preferences when it comes to erotic material and who we find attractive. Some people find me attractive and enjoy my pictures and others do not. It isn’t anything personal against me, but more about the diversity of human beings.
I think what also helped me do so was to look at my own tastes. When it comes to pure physical attraction, I like certain body shapes over others. What makes my head turn or my eyes stare tends to be a certain type of man and a certain type of woman. I definitely know I prefer brunettes over blondes (men especially). So, I knew among the millions of people on the Internet, there was bound to be a few people who liked my look just as there are people I am particularly fond of. After becoming aware of this, I quickly came to terms with it all.
One expectation I had that turned out to be correct was that running your own adult site is work. Yes, I get to have some crazy sexual experiences that many people can only dream about, but it is still work. If I have a cold, I still have to do those updates, perform for my webcams shows and write those journal entries. We also can’t be away from home very long because James and I update the site very regularly. If we vacation, we must be able to get online. That leaves out more exotic places to travel to. However, that is the boring stuff.
More fascinating, is the sex part of the work. Now, I am letting you in on a big secret here. Having sex for a living is work and it takes some effort to make fantasy come to life. Even with an Amateur site which reflects my actual sexual lifestyle there is some artifice to it. For example, I never used to schedule my sexual activities. Having a site has caused me to do so. My photoshoots and especially my webcam shows are scheduled. Every Tuesday night at 9 PM and Wednesday at noon I know I am going to be partaking in some sexual activity. It is not as spontaneous as the rest of my sex life. Lucky for me, I do work well with planning. It helps me get into a sexual frame of mind and then give a good show for the viewers. I know that some performers get bogged down by the arranging of their sexual exploits. It can make things difficult sometimes.
The other reality of pornography that I learned early on is that what looks best on film is the most uncomfortable position possible for the model. Yes, if you see someone in a sexy posed shot chances are their backs are killing them. With the live shows I don’t have the same problem because I am in motion. This is a good thing as it lets me enjoy the sex itself. However, as a performer who is also the camera-person (as James and I are), in the back of your mind you are always thinking about the camera. For me this is mainly a turn-on because I enjoy performing for interested parties. However, you do have to focus on the camera angles and choosing positions that will give the viewer the best possible show. Non-exhibitionist sex tends to be just a blur of humping asses and this does not make for the best porn.
This being the case, my experience as a pornographer has greatly influenced my view and appreciation of porn. I know the inside scoop. While the sex isn’t faked, it is contrived and it isn’t perfect. The performers, even with their beautiful bodies, have self image concerns, the men don’t always have dependable erections or orgasms and accidents happen. One time I fell over while having anal sex on camera. It was hilarious and real. With Amateur porn you can’t always edit out such bloopers. Yet by leaving them in, it can make the porn very accessible to the viewers. My life may be a fantasy for them, but it is one they can share and understand. It is not out of reach.
Some people are disappointed by what they perceive as flaws and mistakes in porn. It bursts their sexual bubbles. For them mainstream porn is a better option. It can have a beauty and an idealness that allows them to escape for a short time. Nevertheless, I think it is healthy to have some reality mixed in with your fantasy. It helps you see the performers as the complex people they are and see yourself and your partners in comparison as just as sexy and arousing.
When I am old and grey (or more likely still a brunette covering it up), I think I will look back at my life in porn as being a good experience. As a viewer of porn I have been given a gift of seeing sexual possibilities and enhancing imagery. As a pornographer, I have been able to share my experiences and insights with others and offer them a gift in return for their support. On a selfish note, all of it has allowed me to feel better about my body, my abilities and my value as a sexual being. Most importantly, I feel it has allowed me to see the same qualities in others.
Originally published at Seska for Lovers 2000.
Girls at a party on Eel Island, August 1960.
(Source: rcmerchant, via cobraandvulture)